Every now and again I write a little bit of nonsense, as a form of amusement. For maximum comedic effect, I prefer listening to it being read out loud by the classic Macintosh voice “Princess” (though any kind of computer text-to-speech would probably be entertaining enough). Here’s a collection of some of my greatest works.
(This one, as I recall, was made when I saw a GED testing site that featured a computerized grader for the essay portion. I was curious as to what a computer would grade some of my drivel, so I wrote this.)
lull well businessz r cool, n can make money
teh main advantage to owning a busnez is that you have freedoms lull AND independents from teh big business
the main con is tath u cant make money running a business…only big companies make money. small business usually fail, or dont bring in any money.
and make money is what it is all about!
and u need money to do anythin…so rly u hav no freedom as a small bizness. they cant do anythin and u will die broke, hungry, and unclothed.
TIS R POLITICS
(Parody of similar types of posts that show up on Facebook.)
HEY GUYS THIS R POLITICS!!! Teh DEMOCRATS ARE RUINING R COUNTRY!!FORWARD THIS TO EVERY1 U KNOW IF U LOVE AMERICA (‘N KITTENS). EVERY SHARE IS 1 “SUPPORT”. EVERY “LIKE” IS A VOTE FOR Freedoms (AND GUNZ). THE SUPREME COURT HAS PROMISED THAT IF WE GET 50 MILLION LIKES, CONGRESS WILL REAPPEAL HEALTH CARE. BUT IF U DON’T CARE ABOUT OUR NATION THEN GO AHEAD, IGNORE THIS POST. THIS R SERIOUS, PEOPLE!!!
(This one was made with the vague wondering whether it could become one of those viral bits of misinformation that plague the internet. This is one of my favorite pieces; I might make a separate post explaining what all went into this one later.)
FIVE COMMON TOXINS THE FOOD INDUSTRY DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT… FORWARD THIS TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW, PEOPLE!!! DON’T GET TAKEN IN BY BIG BUSINESS. THIS CAN SAVE LIVES.
When millions of Americans are cooking, they make one terrible mistake that will have a hazardous effect on their health: they use corn oil. Corn oil is the MOST DANGEROUS “healthy” product that has ever hit the market!! This should come as no surprise since corn is itself the most unhealthy “natural” food available. Five “fun” facts about corn and its oil:
1) Various studies have shown that it increases the risk of cancer in both men and women due to its high omega-6 fatty acid contents. These acids “turn on” PI3-kinase, a signal pathway, which DOUBLES your chance of developing cancer!! but hey, at least it’s gender-neutral. we don’t want to discriminate when we’re passing out DEATH.
2) It contains lipid transfer proteins. This indigestible protein can cause rashes, asthma, and even suffocation. Really sounds like part of a balanced diet, right?
3) When it is planted, it must be placed in what is called a “rotation” — every other growing season, the farmers plant crops like alfalfa or soybeans in its place. This is because it has low nitrogen content, which is very bad for the soil. If even the earth won’t take it, why should we be putting this stuff in our bodies!?!
4) Maintaining livestock is always a problem. They are often kept in small stables, with little room to move. They are also very expensive to feed and maintain. To solve this problem, big business uses corn silage, a type of fermented fodder. Fermentation is a common process, used mainly in the alcohol industry. Thats right, these livestock growers give their cattle food to both make them fat and keep them docile by getting them drunk.
5) Corn is the #1 ingredient used in making ethanol, a type of gasoline, to fuel cars, and for conversion into diesel. In fact, 40% of the corn crop is used for this purpose (the rest is given to American cattle and humans). Do really want your main food to be the same as what your car uses?
The word “cheese” is derived from an early Indo-European root word, “kwat”, which means “to ferment or become sour”. Educated readers would take that as a warning right there. However, the industry isn’t about education, it’s about getting you to shut up, stay shut up, and give them money. For those who don’t know, this is how you get your cheese:
The source milk (which has its own problems, but we’ll get into that later) is separated into curds and whey. This is done by souring the milk with bacteria (the same things that most people want to AVOID). Then, the milk sugars are transformed into lactic acid. Once it curdles, the cheese sets into a moist gel. This gel (called the curd) is then cut into small cubes and heated at 95-131 degrees farenheit (the reason why it isn’t hotter is to avoid killing the bacteria in the mix). Afterwards, the cheese is salted, pressed into a mold, and left to sit out.
That’s right… and it sits and sits and sits. Cheeses are left out for years and years. And as you might expect, this results in a lot of mold and bacteria growth. Eventually, after the mold has completely taken over the curd, it will be sold at exorbitant price to some hapless person. talk about marketing genius; they’re getting rich off of selling what amounts to hard, sour, moldy milk…
and that’s the *good* cheese!!! Most American cheese is actually “processed” cheese, which is another word to say “fake”. Have you ever bought “pasteurized processed cheese food”? quick tip: if it has to say its food, it isn’t. This product is made from a diluted mixture of normal cheese, emulsifiers, extra salt, and food coloring (to give it that yellow). The resulting product is about as nutritious as the wrapping it comes in.
Cheese, whether processed or not, has a number of health risks. It is the #1 source of saturated fat in America. It is also dangerous for its lactose content, and for the amines that are in it, causing headaches, rashes, and high blood pressure! ‘cuz we know we all need more of that…
The scientific evidence speaks the last word on cheese. A microscopic study reveals to us that many of the molecules in an aged cheese are the same as in rotten foods. Imagine someone setting a hamburger out on the back porch, and then leaving it there… for years. Then, after it’s been exposed to the elements and is no longer recognizable as a burger, they come back and eat it. sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it? but that’s what the cheese industry does all the time. Whenever you eat cheese, it’s the same as eating that moldy, rained-on burger. bon appetite!
By now, in spite of yourself, you might be getting hungry. Perhaps you’d like some milk and cookies to take off the edge? Well, you shouldn’t, and here’s why: store milk is not only unnatural, but unhealthy as well.
First of all, humans are the only living thing that consumes milk past infancy. That should tell us something right there, but apparently it doesn’t. You see, milk contains a special ingredient, lactose. It is virtually the only source of this sugar. Lactose is easily digestible by infants, but the enzyme needed to digest it begins to decline afterwards. Unless an organism continues to consume it, and keeps that enzyme strong, they will lose the ability to (hey, kind of like diseases and antibodies!).
But the dairy industry has sold the notion that milk is healthy for all ages, not just infants. As a result, millions of Americans drink milk and products made from it (like the aforementioned cheese) on a regular basis. This isn’t even human milk, though — the most common type of milk sold comes from cows. Besides the obvious gross factor, it begs the question whether milk by cows, for infant cows is really something adult humans need for their health.
There’s plenty of evidence against milk as a beverage. Lactose-intolerance is of course the most obvious, but there are others. For instance, you might want to avoid giving it to Max or Misty, your cat — s/he can’t digest it either. It increases sinus drainage. High milk intake has even been linked to cancer and the aggravation of other diseases.
If that isn’t enough, the cows that produce this milk, in America, have been treated with all kinds of artificial hormones, that are banned in other parts of the world (such as the EU). The most common of these, BGH or rBST, has been linked with lameness and other disorders in animals. Whenever you drink an animal’s milk, you’re drinking this hormone. Is that something you really want as a part of your diet? Even many big businesses, including Wal-Mart, have pledged not to use this in their milk production. If even *Wal-Mart* thinks it is dangerous, what in the world should educated consumers think??
Monsanto, a major manufacturer of this hormone, claims it is safe. well, it takes only a cursory look at Monsanto to show why this should not convince anybody: the company was founded as a major producer of plastics. They since moved on to develop DDT (the infamous insecticide), PCBs (a highly toxic coolant), Agent Orange (toxic, toxic, toxic), and are now manufacturing a herbicide, “Roundup”. They are also the main manufacturer of a type of genetically engineered plant (which are modified by a special process to make them infertile). In other words, their products are usually either non-consumable and/or developed to kill something. if their opinion that BGH is healthy doesn’t reassure you, join the club… and stay away from their milk.
If something was poisonous, you would want to stay well away from it, right? Well, many people have been duped into eating one of the members of the poisonous nightshade plant family. That’s right — I’m talking about the common potato.
the potato plant is a source of solanine, a toxic alkaloid. Solanine poisoning symptoms include nausea, stomach cramps, burning of the throat, headache, and dizziness. In some cases, it causes hallucinations, loss of sensation, paralysis, fever, and death. This solanine is also present in nightshade (a poisonous plant) and tobacco (a leading cause of cancer). when potatoes are refrigerated, this process which converts their starch into sugar, and leads to higher acrylamide levels — another type of toxin. Even in the best case, assuming they aren’t toxic from something or another, potatoes contain a lot of cholesterol. finally, they are commonly used to brew alcoholic beverages (the so-called “hops”). the UK National Health Service doesn’t even recognize the potato as a vegetable!!! with the above facts, is it any wonder why?
The last member of this list is one of the sneakiest. almost nobody would guess the dangers that can come from eating this seemingly harmless plant. No health service has banned it. You most likely have it in your own home. but just because everybody is into it doesn’t mean it’s good for you!
The carrot is a source of beta carotene, an orange pigment. Overconsumption of beta carotene is most famously linked with the skin turning orange — but it can also increase the rate of lung and prostate cancer in smokers. Like with corn, carrots have been fed to cows, resulting in a yellowish shade of milk. On the plus side, carotene is a favorite food of termites, so if you like to take your dietary cues from bugs, go ahead and eat those carrots!
The more vibrant the carrot is, the more beta carotene it contains. well, does this remind anybody of the rule for snakes? grade school tells us that if it’s bright, it’s usually dangerous — “red and yellow kills a fellow”, right? if only people paid attention to these rules of nature day-to-day, we could save lives. leave the carrots to the rabbits.
you will not learn this from the FDA or from big business. it’s in the government’s interest to cover as much of this up as possible. the school system won’t teach this to your kids… it’s in their best interest to keep it covered up. to make up for this, we need to tell as many people as we can! warn everyone you know, even the person who told you, about these five DANGEROUS TOXINS and the threat they pose. with proper education we might be able to save the younger generation. spread the word people!!! social media is powerful!!
(I think this one was just for fun. I did send it to my sister as a birthday present, though.)
teh only thang to singing muzak is tath u r suppost to butcher teh grammar an teh spelling!
teh guy’s taht make teh muzak r cald “muzakshuns”. they r not real good.
muzak is palayed wit hammers, stringses, keys, and boes. teh main thing tat teh muzakshuns need to b worreed about is tat teh audience may shoot tehm wit their own arrows.
a person who puts teh muzak on the internets is called a “producer”. they make all teh money’s and don’t have to be creative. this is teh way to make moneys from teh muzak. if u like money, don’t try to sing! they never make money’s from singing, only teh producers make money’s.
teh best way to publicize muzak is on eyetunes. it is the best way to get muzak for your I’s. u will need to give most of your money’s to Apple, but it still will make u more money’s than u would make on your own.
teh purpose of making teh muzak is normallee to make money’s for teh producers. u can make muzak for others, but u will be considered weird! to be a star, u need to give money’s to producers and to game sho hosts! they will promote u so tat u can get started taking money from other singars and muzakshuns.
eventually, if u keep this up, u will be teh big muzakshun, like frank sinaytra, maria car-ey, and elvis. tin u should buy a mansion, get a new sports car, and waste teh effort of teh muzakshuns u took money’s from. it is teh tradition! if u do this, u will protect teh status quo.
Our patented Eyemasters™ system is optimized to provide the best possible care for you and your I’s. We have found that most I’s, rather than being physically malformed, are simply recalcitrant and/or refractory. We use special minuscule whips to chastise and correct the eye’s faults: to master your unruly I.
As you may have noticed, our doctors and crew are very small by human standards, standing about one and a half inches tall. The whips they use are smaller than a human hair, but nonetheless very effective. There is usually a stinging sensation that accompanies an Eyemasters™ treatment. This is simply the whip doing its job. The eye will usually itch for some time after the treatment, but vision is almost always immediately restored.
The Eyemasters™ system is the most cost-affordable one on the planet. Each treatment costs only about $2, with discounts available for bulk orders.
How long does the treatment work? The short answer is that it depends on the eye. Some people’s I’s, having been properly subdued, are permanently fixed, and require no more treatments after our first session. Other I’s may be particularly difficult to subdue, and require more than one treatment per week to adequately master. Most peoples’ I’s require a treatment every one to two weeks.
At one treatment per week, this adds up to a cost of only $104 a year; clearly more affordable than buying expensive glasses. This treatment also works throughout an entire lifetime — rather than weakening in effect as others do. Seniors have responded very positively to our treatment, calling it “almost miraculous”. The norm after proper treatment is a return to near-perfect vision! Not even Laysick can claim this rate or degree of success.
Don’t let your eyes slack off. Join the Eyemasters™ team in taking control of your vision.
(These next few were written while trying to come up with things for college writing assignments.)
lullz teh best computer for every1 r teh DELL Inspire-on!!! when u use it, u will feel inspire-oned! inspire-on-a shun is good for the mind and sole. it r a fast computar, teh fastest in teh global worlds. it r having a 4 gig processor n 2 megs of ROM. it even haz a 2 gigahertz hard driver!!! all for 999 dollars and 99 cents plus tax!
i am juss jokin. teh best computar r actual-ee teh super computar known as teh G4. teh g4 r a militairy secret. teh armies outlawed teh use n sale of teh G4 to protect it from teh commies. but tehn the macintosh made a new computar known as teh G5, which was not as good, so tey cud sale computars. teh G5 haz 8 gigahertz RAM, 2 tera gigs of speed, n a 40 meg ROM drive. it cost 100,000 dollars, but r teh fastest computar in teh galactech universe! it r gonna make macintoshes lots of moneys and coats.
bob jane and jack all want them some computahs. teh best computah for bob, a gamer, r teh dell inspire-on! it makes u inspire-oned! lull lull lullz so ya. bob will want teh joystick it make u joyful it r good… it r costing tehm teh 500 us moneys. teh computah, not teh stick of joy. teh stick of joy r be costing 99 dollars and 99 cents. or teh gamepad!
so yah jane ar teh graphic artist. u need no grate computa cuz teh graphs they r just curvy linez. she shud bye teh mac ii. it r teh power computah for low moneys. it r costing ownlee fifty!! it r great deal!!!
so ya, ya, ya! jack r a busnez man. teh buznes are makin teh moneys for big buznes. he doesnt want a computah. he wants a fax mac. teh fax mac is gud for busnez cuz it can print moneys. u send some1 moneys thru teh instagram and it prints teh moneys on teh other side!! great deal for moneys!!! costing only teh 999,999 dollahs! steal of a deal cuz u print teh million moneys after that.
viruses are bad lolololololllool!!!
ya. ya! viruses be baaad. like, mega super bad. like, so bad you can’t breathe bad.
they destroy computahs. teh computah at danger from teh virus.
u will lose allllll your data on teh computah if u let the virus live.
u need to get yourself teh virus protection. teh virus protection is necessity. use kapersky or avast if u are cheap. these ten magazines all agree wit me, cuz i am so smart. oh, and look at the addresses of urls. and don’t believe any email u get. ok? ok! lololol.
so! u need to maintain ur software. it r easies. tey will have teh automatick updates. let tehm do teir job. dont stop tehm. okays? okays.
teh computah-machine u got will want maintainanance. maintain it! ok? lololololollolololololol)lolollolololololololololololololololollollol<ololololololol
here r my references:
lolollolol dcccd library
lolololololol source from teh internets
lolololo source from teh class book computahing essentials 2014
lulllz teh cyber computer r dangerously exposed cuz there be virueses! virii are bad software tat hack into your computah. tey can make ur computah delete stuff, or steal credit card numbers, or hide things and make u pay to get tehm back. tere ar multiple methods of deliveries for teh viriises. viiriises can be teh trojan horse (u know like the horse in that story about the greeks and the trojans, where the greeks and the trojans were at war over some woman named ellen and teh greeks built a giant horse, and pretended like tey were gonna go away, and the trojans said “hey guys tis are a gift from our enemy! lets bring it into the city and celebrate teh end of teh war, cuz its not like teh greeks could be hiding in it or anything”. so they did, but they were and teh greeks got out and killed every1!!! and tehn they threw a party, and then odysseyus (who teh romans called ulysses cuz tey dont know how to say greek names) said “lets go home to greek out”, but tehn it took him 17 years to get home, cuz some guy was mad at him, and he got in a storm, and everybody elkse on teh ship died, and there were sirens (which were singer women who were like mermaids, not like police sirens, like those that went off that one time when teh guy tried to rob that store, only tey werernt actually teh police sirens, but the silent alarm, and teh guy didnt hear the sirens until teh police captured him and took him to jail! jail is a funny word.) who sang to him to get him to leave, and he like went to hades and got some sheep eaten by a cyclops and stuff. and tehn his wife was about to leave him and marry some other guy, and she held a contest to decide who she’d marry, and odysseyus who the ormans called ulysses won! and he said ‘dont get married to ohter guys again unless u know i’m dead’ and she said okay. (not really i just made that last part up.)) viriises can also be like worms. tehy r transmitted thru teh emails.